And I know in this year I need to make changes in life.
I need to stop being so afraid. I have to submit myself to opportunities and get involved. I need to also need to stay away from negativity so I can have the positivism and belief that I can what I want and accomplish anything.
I will probably need to not see my family anymore. It seems as though my parents have fallen very strongly in to body building and it consumes most of their time, money and focus. Its as though that their top priority and they lose sight of my sisters and I (even though I don't live with them) but their are times I really need their help and they are just gone. I need to be distant because... I guess, I do what I can to win their approval and for some guidance but now I know and have come to realize they wont be their to help me at all and I'm completely on my own world. I have to do things myself and just be. Im sure my distance from them will be good for my self esteem too after the years of being called a loser, that i will probably kill myself, I'm fat, or i need lose weight or that I look weird, or need to top getting tattoos or piercings, i just need to stay away from that vibe.
As far as my relationship with Nicole was fun but when we first started dating. I think i will have to let go soon. I'm not so happy anymore. I'm getting more annoyed of the smallest of things that she does and sometimes I'm so irritated with her that we can't even be in the same room with out me wanting to just explode. I love her with all my heart and I always will but being with has made me lose friends, opportunities, events, and I'm just stuck at my apartment doing the same shit all the time because she is either working or sleeping. I feel like i need freedom. She's 29 and I'm 20. She has lived and explored. I feel like its my turn. Also I want to make choices for my life, not what suitable for her and slightly ok for me, because in the end it's my life and I'm not happy with it.
I need to Fucking drive! I'm sure that would turn my whole life around .GOD I NEED TO FUCKING DRIVE! This is ridiculous I'm 20 i need to got take my drivers test and get my licence.
Also I quit Paul Mitchell. I'm done. I have to start paying 80 bucks a month for the loans and stuff. But! But! I applied for the Academy Art Uni of San Fran which is really where I wanted to go to begin with for digital graphics and fashion. I did a huge fucking mistake because i just into Paul Mitchell with out even looking into it or even knowing what I was getting myself into. This time I'm going to go for the school I want, not the cheep school because everyone says I should go and do someshit because i wont get anywhere.
So I will have to work on having a change of mind, need to work on loving myself and treating myself, need to be positive again, need to drive, need to find a new crowd of positive people, need to work on my goal, need to work on school, find a better job, need to drive, and to get and do thing.
-alessandra
